In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
Marriage is one of the most important decisions in one’s life. How
are you supposed to know whether someone is “The One,” or if you are
just blinded by her beauty, akhlaq (manners), status in society, or you
are just plain ole tired of waiting so long that you are infatuated with
the idea of a “special someone,” no matter who that someone might be?
That is a tough question. A potential spouse cannot be compared to a
suit, or the new iPhone that is out in the market. You cannot “choose” a
partner, then “return” her if you see that you two do not get along
very well. Although divorce is a permissible yet disliked (by Allah)
option, let’s hope that we do not marry with the thought that if
anything goes wrong, we can always get a divorce. A few characteristics
should be looked for in potential mates.
Deen Comes First
In Islam, we are all equal to each other except for those who have a
higher level of taqwa (faith in Allah). As such, a man should not
discriminate against a potential spouse because she is from a different
country, has fewer (or a greater number of) degrees than him, or if she
is not as wealthy or as beautiful as he wishes her to be. There is a
hadith which states, “A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or
her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the
dust! (if you fail to heed)” [Muslim]. This hadith applies to both
men and women. We should not be preoccupied with how a person looks or
how much money s/he makes per month. Beauty is important as you must be
able to feel some sort of attraction to your partner. Wealth is as
equally as important since you must be able to spend on your family and
zakat. Nevertheless, deen comes first and should be the most important
factor when choosing a partner. Beauty fades, money comes and goes (and
eventually runs out), while a good person’s character gets richer by the
day. It is important that we do not fool ourselves by judging a book by
its cover. Just because a sister wears hijab and a brother dons a beard
(perhaps because he looks quite handsome with it as opposed to having
no facial hair) does not mean that they are doing it out of
religiousness. It is your duty to ask around, or ask your elders to find
out about this person’s habits and qualities.
Does Ethnicity Matter?
There may be a sister who abides by the deen, exhibits good behavior,
has a good education, and is beautiful too…except she does not come from
the same cultural background as you. Now what? I believe you should go
about the matter as you would with a potential spouse who is of the same
ethnicity.
Allah (S.W.T.) says:
“O mankind! We created you from a single
(pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that
ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the
most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most
righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted
(with all things)” (49:13).
Therefore, it is clear that cultural differences should not stop us from
marrying a partner of our choice. Allah does not care if I marry
someone of the same race, or a different one, so long as we strive to
keep each other on the right path. Allah will judge us for what is in
our hearts, not our outward appearance. Nevertheless, we must be
realistic about interracial marriage and its consequences.
Cultural Differences
Cultural differences are perhaps the number one reason why some people
are afraid of marrying outside of their culture. What language will we
speak? Maybe English, but what about our grandfathers who do not
understand a word of it? What type of food will we eat? Which customs
will we incorporate into our wedding—his or mine? What language will our
children speak? Which culture will our children marry into—his or mine?
Yikes. The list goes on and on, though the last question shouldn’t
matter to such an open minded couple. The point is that interracial
marriages can be very complicated. They can also be as simple as you
make them. The husband and wife can teach one another his/her respective
language. Though it is not a quick solution, it is possible. For the
time being, if English is a common language, they can speak that.
Language is nothing but a means to communication. Children can be taught
both languages as children’s minds are like sponges that are ready to
absorb knowledge. As a child, I was spoken to in Dari and Pashto as my
mother is from Kabul, while my father is from Qandahar, Afghanistan. It
was not difficult for me to learn Pashto, Dari, English, as well as
understand Hindi just from watching Desi serials on television. Anything
is possible as long as the couple and their families are willing to
cooperate with one another.
Expect Many Stares
It seems that people are either fascinated by, scared of, or just
curious about interracial marriages. Expect people to stare at you as
though you have five heads and just landed from the UFO that came from
Mars. You will have to learn to adapt to it. Sometimes some people may
think to themselves, or even come up to you and ask, “Couldn’t she find a
person within her culture? Is that why she degraded herself by marrying
a ________?” People are inconsiderate but that does not mean you
shoulddisregard a potential spouse.
Convincing Your Parents
Some of us are blessed with parents who have knowledge of the deen. The
rest of us, however, are not so fortunate. Some parents are stuck with
the old ideology that one should marry within the race as opposed to
ruining their “pure” (insert appropriate ethnicity) bloodline. This
sounds more like Hitler’s logic in that he did not want the “superior”
ethnicity to be lowered through marriage to someone of an “inferior”
culture. We should point out Qur’anic verses and Hadith regarding the
believers’ equality before Allah and how one’s level of deen will matter
on the Day of Judgment. Our skin color will not matter, neither will
our superstitious manmade customs, ideologies, and “status” in society.
Many parents, though aware of the deen, will not allow their children to
marry outside of their race for fear of what “society will think.” Some
questions I would pose to those parents are:
1. Do you live your life for yourself, or to please others? Is your
whole life a façade, such as a staged play in which your family members’
every action is controlled?
2. Have you forgotten the purpose of your life? Allah (S.W.T.) says, “I have only created jinns and humans to worship Me” (51:56).
That is the purpose of our lives, but marriage is a blessing. It is
half our deen as our partners help us stay on Siraatul Mustaqeem (the
Right path). Please stop obsessing over how your child’s spouse should
be an engineer, doctor, or lawyer.
3. Ultimately, does your child’s happiness matter to you, or your
selfish desires of having him/her marry within the race merely to please
society?
Please, do not turn down a potential spouse because of something like
ethnicity, or the person’s profession. Granted, s/he should be able to
earn a decent living, but deen is of utmost importance, and it is
possible that you may not find a person who is religious and meets your
other standards while also being of the same background. If your parents
do not heed your proof from the Qur’an and Sunnah, then ask an Imam to
help. Regardless, remember to be kind to your parents even if they do
not agree at first.
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Source : http://www.teenperspectives.com/interracial-marriage-is-it-worth-it/
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